There are days that I would do anything just to hear his voice again. Tonight I watched a video that Tiernan’s mom posted and at first the sound was off but then I read what she wrote and turned the sound on. And closing my eyes I just listened to his voice.

As I drove back to my grandma’s house tonight I was thinking about if I had one more day. I quickly realized that would not be enough for me. Giving him up again would not be something I could do again. Listening to videos just to hear his voice would not be enough.

It is not enough now.

I am trying to move forward in my new house but there will always be a part of me that will want my love to be here with me. That will want to hear his voice to cuddle with him on the couch.

The house is a new start it has been nice being in a different space one that doesn’t hold memories all over.

There is still stuff at the house that I need to move, but first I have to unpack everything I have brought. To find a home for all the things that I have cherished from my former life. But as I unpack I feel a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time.

As much as my heart and soul long to have him back for a day or forever. To walk in my front door and find him sitting on the couch after a long day at work. I would pour a glass of wine and curl up next to him. Tell him about my day and he would tell me everything is going to work out.

But life is not a dream and I come home to a dog and cat. An empty house. My life is not what I thought it would be but I am holding on to hope.

I hold on to my memories of him. Watch videos of him just to remember that I had that love. That I knew love. That the pain and anguish that I have felt is because our love was real.

I am working on being okay. To not wake up somedays and long for him. Life is ever-changing that is what the last two years of my life have taught me. I will forever be a bit broken but I can put the pieces back together with some small wholes that will never be able to be filled.

Tonight I listened to his voice and missed him a ton. I wish I could tell him I love you as I lay down to go to sleep. Hear him say love you too. He would wait until I fell asleep and then sneak out to play video games.

 

About 

Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.

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Laurel Snook

Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey. You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.

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