Battling my Demons
I started to write this post earlier in the week then today as I was driving with my dad, I decided that there needed to be more of the truth behind this story. Battling my demons is not simply as missing him as some may believe. My demons are replaying in my head the night he died every time I am on 84 near Middletown. It is believing that somehow, I am responsible for him dying. My demons are me not being nice to myself.
My demons come out when I am stressed out to the max. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I am past the point of missing him and wanting him. They come out to play when I start to think I shouldn’t miss him because I don’t have that right. These are demons I have been fighting for over a year.
I have sought therapy to help me deal with them, but it is not something that has helped with it. It is not as simple as saying you can’t blame yourself. At this point, I don’t blame myself instead I play memories that make me sad rather than think of him in a good way. I want to remember him smiling and laughing. Him playing magic and getting frustrated with me as I asked questions all innocently then beat him. But my demons don’t allow me to have those memories all the time.
This week was not my best. It was week two of just stressful and me just missing my partner. Instead of thinking about what he would do to help me. I thought about him laying in that hospital not breathing, how it felt when they told me, the days following. Running through how things played out that last week. Hating that things ended the way they did. I can not change the past I just have to learn to live with my demons.
Beginning of the week
This week has been difficult in many ways. I say this and it is only Wednesday. The book that I was listening to was Me Before You. Maybe not the best choice but it was good. I did not cry and it gave me a lot to think about. Slaying my demons is something I need to do but I have not finished battling them just yet.
Sudden death leaves so much not said. I think the lack of closure has affected me more than I thought. At the end of the book Louisa is sitting at a café reading a letter from Will and it just hit that I didn’t get that. There was a lot left unsaid and regrets that it left me with. And even though it has been a year I still have not worked through those demons.
I have tried therapy but that has not helped me. Maybe it is because they think writing a letter to him will help news flash, I have tried that. When I am super stressed, I think about that. I like to torture myself.
The picture above my desk is Matt. I should change it but part of me just can’t. Same with my Facebook profile picture is the two of us for a while I had changed it to just me but now it doesn’t feel right. There are a lot of things that don’t seem right.
I tried to play a PC game this week, I opened steam and then just couldn’t do it. Then I thought maybe I can play on the PS4 but then I just couldn’t think about it anymore. That is a demon that is worse than the others. It was the thing we shared. My PS4 was a gift from him, and my favorite PC game was also a gift.
My mom wanted to go to Hobby Lobby. I promised myself I was not going to buy crafting stuff and for the most part, I behaved. But it is Christmas time in there. A time of year I love. Matt hated it. Lucky for me it is one of the things I don’t have a demon to slay when it comes to my grief. I might have bought some Christmas things. It was wonderful to feel that happiness that I once had with all things holiday-related. I lost that joy last year but a small spark came back, part of the woman he loved.
I was supposed to go away today to pick up my ewe. A friend and I were going to drive out today and then come back tomorrow. After this past week and how exhausted I am, it was the one thing I was looking forward to. Well, plans changed and we ended up not going. I was disappointed, and a tad bit frazzled by everything. Demons popped up everywhere.
I lost the money for the hotel that I prebooked because my dad and I were unable to go tonight because we can’t leave my grandma overnight without one of us being here. Tomorrow is the first time we are going more than an hour away together in more than a year. Today grandma started seeing things again and the little voice in my head said that going away was a bad idea.
Sadly, if Matt was alive, I would be fine going because he would be here. Part of me has a hard time trusting people and life itself. Today when my plans fell through, I just kept thinking that you can’t depend on people being there when you need them. I know that is my grief talking. It is a demon I need to slay.
When my demons come out to play, I know that self-care is important. Drawing helps to get the thoughts in my head out. Reading gets me out of my head. Baking gives me a sense of control when I need to feel in control of something. Writing both my personal blog and for this group gets the thoughts out of my head but I also know that there are others feeling the same way I do.
Last night and tonight I am going to continue to make Christmas cards because that is a holiday that makes me happy. It is something to look forward to. I am even watching some holiday movies and hearing Matt’s voice in my head mocking my love of Hallmark Christmas. My demons are not gone they are simply just quieter with some self-care. I know I will be okay the light is still there, I simply need to slay my demons.