I go upstairs alone. What can I do tonight to fight the loneliness? Turn on the TV find something that won’t remind me of my past life. Read a book. Draw. Anything to not feel the emptiness that comes with the night.
I sit on the couch that we used to share and at times just freeze. What can I do? Maybe tonight is the night that I decide to play a game. No, I can’t do that. That was our life together not my life now. Another reminder that I am alone. Loneliness takes root. Reminding me that my life will never be the same.
I am restless and I know there is not much I can do to stop it. If he was here, he would come upstairs, and we would watch a movie together and I would inch over and cuddle with him. Eventually giving in to that safety and comfort. Falling asleep.
Now the night is the painful reminder of my past life and what my new life looks like. Someday I will move to the farm leaving behind the ghost of my past. But will I leave behind the loneliness? My fear is that it will never go away.
I am starting to move forward finding my way without him. Fearing finding companionship with someone else. Maybe I will be alone forever having found my one and losing it far too early. Life is moving on and I am with it but I am not ready to let my love go.
Loneliness is something that I will fight forever. Matt was part of me and now that part is missing. He helped fight my demons and now they are mine alone to fight off alone.
Loneliness hits in moments when something is bothering me, and I can tell everyone around me but still don’t feel better. Because the person I want to talk about it is not around. Those are the nights that I go upstairs and have the hardest times.
Some nights I end up laying down in bed wrapped up in my weighted blanket with it resting on my back to feel like he is with me. Wishing that was true. Sleep does not come easy but eventually, it wins the fight against loneliness.
I know I am not alone. There are plenty of people in my corner. And on my hardest days, I could call any of them and say I need to vent. Talk about my horrible day before I go home to my grandma and must be okay. Days I reach out and connect to others my loneliness is fought off a bit.
Loneliness is a part of grief it is a part that takes getting used to. It can consume you if you allow it to. That is not an option for me and although I struggle with it at times, I just remember all the people that show up for me. There are people that are going to walk the 5K with me that I was never expecting to join. It is a pleasant reminder of the love I have surrounding me. I designed shirts last night for the team so that others will know why we walk.
** Mark your calendars! Hope For Widows Foundation’s annual virtual event has returned on Saturday, April 2, and Sunday, April 3, 2022! Anyone can join! Whether you are a widow, widower, or a friend/family member showing support or walking in the loss of another family member, everyone is welcome to participate. The proceeds will directly support widows through the annual financial Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes program, and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program. Do you have or know a business that would like to sponsor? That’s an option too! To register and frequently asked questions- please go here: widowsofhope5k.racewire.com
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
Hi Laura
I am so lonely and searching around the subject and found your article just like it talks straight to me. I lost my loving husband in the sudden last year of 26 years plus we were together. A year later now I can get up from the loss, but the loneliness in the evening is killing me. I chose spiritual life to survive the loss, but still so hard at night facing the loneliness. I don’t know how to conquer of my sadness and get stronger? It’s so hard!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s help and comfort me very much.
I lost my husband of 35 years last month. Butch was only 58 and had been diagnosed with cancer only a few months before he passed. The nightly loneliness is almost unbearable. I am 54 and both of our children are grown and live with their spouses/partners in their own homes. We had a very comfortable routine and now that it’s gone I feel lost and afloat without a compass. No more morning coffee together while we watch the news. (He got up with me at 5:30 even though he didn’t have to get up early), no more dinners together, (I’d clean up while he walked the dog). I don’t feel like cooking now most nights and prior to his passing I took pride in cooking healthy, from scratch meals. No more binge watching tv shows together. I have two therapists (one from the hospice, one I found on my own) and I’ve joined a grief group for those who have lost a spouse. It’s scheduled to begin next week. Butch was my best friend and I hate this life without him. I hope I can find a way to enjoy my life again.