I go upstairs alone. What can I do tonight to fight the loneliness? Turn on the TV find something that won’t remind me of my past life. Read a book. Draw. Anything to not feel the emptiness that comes with the night.
I sit on the couch that we used to share and at times just freeze. What can I do? Maybe tonight is the night that I decide to play a game. No, I can’t do that. That was our life together not my life now. Another reminder that I am alone. Loneliness takes root. Reminding me that my life will never be the same.
I am restless and I know there is not much I can do to stop it. If he was here, he would come upstairs, and we would watch a movie together and I would inch over and cuddle with him. Eventually giving in to that safety and comfort. Falling asleep.
Now the night is the painful reminder of my past life and what my new life looks like. Someday I will move to the farm leaving behind the ghost of my past. But will I leave behind the loneliness? My fear is that it will never go away.
I am starting to move forward finding my way without him. Fearing finding companionship with someone else. Maybe I will be alone forever having found my one and losing it far too early. Life is moving on and I am with it but I am not ready to let my love go.
Loneliness is something that I will fight forever. Matt was part of me and now that part is missing. He helped fight my demons and now they are mine alone to fight off alone.
Loneliness hits in moments when something is bothering me, and I can tell everyone around me but still don’t feel better. Because the person I want to talk about it is not around. Those are the nights that I go upstairs and have the hardest times.
Some nights I end up laying down in bed wrapped up in my weighted blanket with it resting on my back to feel like he is with me. Wishing that was true. Sleep does not come easy but eventually, it wins the fight against loneliness.
I know I am not alone. There are plenty of people in my corner. And on my hardest days, I could call any of them and say I need to vent. Talk about my horrible day before I go home to my grandma and must be okay. Days I reach out and connect to others my loneliness is fought off a bit.
Loneliness is a part of grief it is a part that takes getting used to. It can consume you if you allow it to. That is not an option for me and although I struggle with it at times, I just remember all the people that show up for me. There are people that are going to walk the 5K with me that I was never expecting to join. It is a pleasant reminder of the love I have surrounding me. I designed shirts last night for the team so that others will know why we walk.
** Mark your calendars! Hope For Widows Foundation’s annual virtual event has returned on Saturday, April 2, and Sunday, April 3, 2022! Anyone can join! Whether you are a widow, widower, or a friend/family member showing support or walking in the loss of another family member, everyone is welcome to participate. The proceeds will directly support widows through the annual financial Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes program, and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program. Do you have or know a business that would like to sponsor? That’s an option too! To register and frequently asked questions- please go here: widowsofhope5k.racewire.com