Today I was watching NCIS: New Orleans with my grandma and they were talking about grief the quote that stood out to me was “Same love that lifted you up in life can drag you down in death.”
I have spent so much of the last year trying to avoid feelings. Got overwhelmed by my feelings, falling apart. Wishing that Matt would just magically be alive. Letting the love that we had in life drag me down in death.
Feeling lost not wanting to be home because it no longer felt like home to me. Going through the motions of living without feeling. Numbness was my friend.
I have listened to God knows how many self-help books and took bits and pieces of each have helped me in my mission to rediscover who I am without Matt. Slowly realized that I need to move forward. I cannot live in misery forever.
In life Matt lifted me up he made me feel like I could do anything. When I felt insecure in my career or just in general, he grounded me. Without him I spiraled out of control and into a depression I was not sure how to get out of.
Time has given me what I have needed to find a sense of home. The farm more and more is becoming the place I feel at peace, feel safe, and just happy. It is a weight off my shoulders.
My anxiety has been more manageable. I am no longer falling apart for no reason. Currently, I am working on not fearing happiness. That feeling of dread that comes when I feel peace. Knowing that bad things happen.
I know that Matt would be happy to see me smiling and enjoying life. I think that is what is allowing me to find peace knowing that he would be disappointed in me being sad all the time letting his death stop me from living too.
For a long time that is all, I could think that I was disappointing him. Not going out to do things and when I did not allow myself to enjoy them cause how can I smile and laugh when he is not alive. Just dragging myself down.
Live that is what I am doing now. I am living for today. Knowing that life can take a dark turn at any minute that my life will flip again. I don’t know when that will be but living in fear is not living. Making my love proud is what I want to do. Matt is in the little moments still and our love lives on.
**Have you heard about Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual Restoring Hope & Peace Grant program? It was established by the organization in 2019 to help widowed women offset financial challenges as they navigate their healing journey. You can find out details, timeline and the history of this grant here: https://hopeforwidows.org/grant/ All widows based in U.S. and Canada are encouraged to apply. Applications open on National Widows Day, May 3, 2022. For additional questions feel free to email firstname.lastname@example.org **