This has been a very long weekend for me socially, but it was good. Like every other time I have an event coming up, I freak out before. Events that I always had him at as a buffer for when my anxiety peaked. Now they are a reminder of what I have lost. I bring my camera to hide behind the lens.
Thursday during therapy we talked about it to prepare. Going out is exhausting for me. I had a timeline to leave in the past because I had my grandma to take care of. How much has changed in a year’s time? She encouraged me to get out and have fun but when I needed to leave.
Yesterday I went to my friend’s children’s birthday party, and I had fun and stayed late because I could relax and be in the moment like I have been practicing. My therapist and I are working on mindfulness. Reminding myself that the past is behind me, and my future is in front of me.
My friend and I talked about past parties and Matt. Because this is my second time having to go to this event alone. And not having him was not as hard. Not having my emotions be all over was a blessing. It made staying mindful easier.
Today was my niece’s eighteenth birthday and my parents and I went to a BBQ at my sister’s house. It was a good time, and we went to the fair next to her house. Having alone time with my sister is rare but always a good thing.
On the way home, Tiernan and my dad talked about Matt and it warmed my broken soul. I am happy that we can talk about him with Tiernan and keep him alive with every word. My therapist told me on Thursday that she could hear the smile in my voice as I said a good memory of Matt.
This was a huge win for me. I feel tired tonight ahead of a big week. Last year the fair was difficult to deal with. It was a grieving nightmare. I have faith that this year will be better. Hope that I will be able to make it through without any grieving bombs happening.
With new tools in my pocket, I am confident that going to be okay. This is the first time that I feel that therapy is working. But also, the first time I have been ready to heal. To put the past behind me to move forward.