Birthdays will never be the same.
Mine will always remind me of the people that are missing that always made it special. Dinner at grandma’s was my thing to do every year except the four that I was away at college and last year.
Last year I celebrated the day before with my friends then drove out to the Finger Lakes with a friend to drop one of my sheep off at another farm. I missed having dinner with my grandma because I was avoiding the day.
Something I regret. There are so many. I need to learn how to let them go. They keep me from being able to fully celebrate things in life.
My sister made plans for yesterday. I should have bowed out of them since I have a bit of a cold. But I did not want to upset her so I went. I got there and there was no parking. Panic set in I was lost and anxiety-ridden I ended up just going home.
Driving home thinking about Matt and my grandma. I just kept thinking this is why I did not want to celebrate. Nothing is ever going to be the same and that is something that I am still coming to terms with.
Today I felt stuck between the pages of my past life and the life that is yet to be. Drifting through the memories of my birthday past. Matt and I together the times he did things to make it special like having cake pops made. Driving my friends and I to the food and wine festival or a winery.
I wished he was with me yesterday. He never minded driving in city situations he knew how nervous they made me. He was my balance. The part of me that is missing.
This year has brought me good memories and bad ones. In December bought my farm alone staying in the moment. In May I lost another part of me but did not let that grief drown me. I moved into my house in June and have made a home.
I have learned to be alone in my own space. And in time I will date again. Life continues and there is nothing we can do about that.
Birthdays will keep happening every year and eventually I need to celebrate my life again. I will always long for the birthdays of the past. Sitting at my grandma’s table eating chocolate cake and enjoying family.
Tomorrow I am off from work and I am going to go pick up some fall decor for my house. I am going to bake some goodies for the guys at work. The day will be mine to do what I need to do to feel whole and complete.
This year I am going to start playing my violin again. I am going to do what makes me happy and work on finding my peace in this crazy world of widowhood.