Fall is approaching just days away. Out of all the seasons, it is the one that I love the most. The heat finally has broken. It is cool in the house with out the fans on. The evenings are perfect for fires. Pumpkin spice is back in coffee shops.
Last week I went to Hobby Lobby and left with Fall decorations and crafts. I walked in for one thing. It felt good to feel my crafting side come back alive. To want to do fall things again.
I am having a party at the farm in October and I was looking at things for that. Cookie cutters for desserts. Decorations for the tables. Something to look forward to.
Fall also brings sadness now. Sadness that I must keep from consuming me.
In the past, I have tried to stay so busy that I would not feel. Outrun the grief that was the plan. But now I stay mindful of my feelings. The past is the past and focusing on the future.
In 2019 Matt and I did fall things like going apple picking. Remember the happy push away the negative 2020 memories. Try not to think about how the two-year mark is around the corner.
Yesterday was a long day. I hosted a work party at my house. We hadn’t had one since before Matt died so there were spouses in attendance that did not know Matt died. I tried to navigate it the best I could. In the end, I was happy that I was able to move through those moments.
Last night I started a fire and enjoyed the colder fall air. I relaxed. In every moment I wish he was alive. Sitting next to me in a chair. Talking about how the party went. Glad that it is over and just enjoy the moment.
Fall is a twisted mess of happiness and sadness.
But grief is like a log in a fire it burns like crazy at first with large flames. Then it smolders for a bit. But the cold gets to you in the fall nights, so you throw some more wood into the pit and the flames shoot up again.
Closing my eyes listening to the fire crackle. Feel the weight of the last two years lift more. I no longer feel like I am losing this game. Taking a breath. Remembering self-care.
Waking up the following day and just felt happy. Pulling all the crafts that I bought out of the bag. Painting the wooden truck I bought and the fall piece that goes into it. Glad to hang it up on the porch.
Remembering that I have so much more life to live. Sitting in the sun listening to the birds. Breathe in don’t think about what might happen in the weeks ahead. Breathe out knowing that not being crushed by grief is okay.
Two years ago I would have never thought that my life would be this but it is. It is learning to navigate Fall without people. Hosting Thanksgiving at my house. Trying like hell not to miss them both. Looking forward to decorating the house for Christmas.
Celebrating the fact that I am looking forward to something. The difference time makes in grief. Being excited not to be stuck anymore. Now to find someone to go apple and pumpkin picking with me. Do things Matt and I did in the Fall and be okay.