Old Me, New Me
I found past pictures of me on my phone. Strange that I have taken a selfie around the same time every year. Old me from 2020 before the world flipped upside down. 2021 old me that was faking happiness because I thought that was what people wanted. Now I have 2022 me and that me is fighting to find daylight in the darkness.
Looking at 2020 the new me wants to tell her so much. Tell her to make him go to the doctor. Hold him tight and don’t let go. Fight for your love because losing it sucks. Hang on because the road is going to get rough.
2020 me still knew how to find her way out of the darkness. She was so happy. I miss that now. I miss knowing who I am. When I was lost I had him to find me and pull me safely through. Old me had everything until it all fell apart.
2021 me struggled so much to be better and for a while, I thought I was. My motto was fake it to you make it and that is what I did. Life got bearable but I still found the everyday grind hard to do. Old me and new me crashing into each other fighting for who I will become.
Then I bought the farm and life seemed like there was light again. But then more hits came and the 2022 version of me showed up.
And for the most part, I have been okay. I am not old me and there is no going back to that. New me is struggling with all the things going on in my life and not having my support person. I would do anything for a hug and a kiss on the forehead.
I wish I could have closure when I finally get the nerve to try and talk to his mom about his ashes and she told me about her plans for them before I got my chance. For months I have wanted to ask for some to plant in a tree urn but there was never a good time. One of my regrets was not keeping them.
I have taken a slow slide backward. Spinning out of the daylight into the darkness that consumed me the most of 2021. My best friend asked what she could do today. But there is nothing anyone can do I need to find my light. I need the new me to figure out how to let go of the pain and sadness.
I hope that next year when I look back at the previous versions of me there is hope for the future. That I still miss Matt but figure out how to live with his absence better. Not bawling my eyes out for hours in the night.
I am going to look for a therapist that specializes in grief therapy because I am not able to pull out of the darkness alone. Time has taught me when to seek help and that time is now. Pretending I am happy is not something I can do anymore. Pretending to be happy and okay drains my energy and leaves me exhausted and unable to sleep. In the past, I gave up on therapy but I think I am finally ready to give it a shot.