Some of us didn’t get goodbyes.
My husband angrily stormed out of the room and in mere moments, he was gone.
There’s a very big part of me that is glad that I didn’t get a note, as I am relatively sure that it wouldn’t have made things any better.
I am actually more certain that it would have made things worse.
Bret could be vicious when he was raging, and of course, he was raging at that moment.
For months after, I scoured his computer looking for hints; a secret note, perhaps.
I would stare intently at the last selfie he snapped just hours before, still on his computer desktop.
He looked like a sad, sick man feigning a weak smile.
I guess in retrospect, he was a sad, sick man feigning a weak smile.
Sometimes though, I wonder how a goodbye might’ve facilitated my healing.
I have seen countless other widows who didn’t get goodbyes either.
These instances are generally tragic, sudden happenings.
They happen so quickly that it’s hard to fully grasp that the person is really gone – I mean, they were literally just there a moment ago, how could they be gone?!
On the flip side, I have known others who did get the goodbye.
Would it make their departure any easier?
I wouldn’t know.
When they’re gone, they’re gone.
I feel like I got my goodbye after he was long gone, in a more metaphysical way.
For me, it was helpful, but I realize others do not share those same beliefs.
I still wonder, though, about what he might’ve said if he had pre-written a note, and not waited until he was spiraling.
Truly, I feel like if he’d attempted a note, he would have talked himself out of it.
This was just his way to make sure he really did it.
As a result, we never got to say goodbye.
I will never stop wondering about what that actual final straw was that day, although I have come to terms with the unknown.
They say life isn’t fair.
Sometimes death isn’t either.
Photo Via MorningCoach.com
Gif Via BlinkiesCafe
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.