The day I learned the term “Executive Dysfunction”, I felt seen.
Finally, someone said this was an actual thing, and it wasn’t just me being lazy and willfully disorganized.
Executive dysfunction is when you have problems with your executive function skills. It might be hard for you to plan, organize, strategize, pay attention to details, and manage your time. Executive dysfunction disorder isn’t just being forgetful or disorganized occasionally. It’s a long-term condition that affects your everyday life. For example, you might have trouble doing tasks that have steps, such as cooking a meal or finishing a work or school project. It’s not a matter of how smart you are or how much effort you put in; it’s a disconnect in your brain’s ability to coordinate and carry out tasks. (Via WebMD)
While I have had symptoms of this affliction for most of my life, (as a GenXer these kinds of disorders were almost always ignored and/or overlooked,) things got really bad once widowhood set in.
I had to actually re-learn how to do simple things like log into online accounts and pay my bills.
Soon, all of the tasks that Bret had taken care of, toppled onto all of mine. It felt like everything was spiraling out of control and it became far more appealing to just let all of those responsibilities bury me completely.
Almost seven years later, I am stuck in the cycle of digging myself out but then letting myself go under yet again.
I have to psych myself up to do things like make phone calls and appointments, pay the bills, and more.
It amazes me that I was ever even able to sell our house, move, and buy a new house. I am in awe over the fact that I was able to write and publish not just one, but several books!
Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I can carry out my daunting and ever-growing to-do list like a champ.
But most days I find myself just staring at the mess, ruminating on my problems, and giving myself easy tasks like “drink coffee.” You know, just so I can scratch something off the list and not feel like such a failure.
Life is complicated these days for most folks not just the widowed, but when you add it to the fabled “widow brain,” it gets even more complicated.
Which, of course, is the perfect breeding ground for the aforementioned executive dysfunction.
Some things that help me when I’m in the midst of a particularly vicious executive dysfunction episode are:
*Doing small things like sweeping or wiping down my countertops.
*Taking a few moments for simple self-care like a facial mask or even just making myself a cup of tea. (I find that the actual “ritual” of putting the kettle on, selecting the tea and a nice teacup, and allowing the tea to steep and then cool is a nice way to ground myself and feel present.)
*Changing plans that seem overwhelming at the moment – it’s okay to cancel or reschedule things if it feels like too much at the present time.
Yes, it seems like some of those things are avoidance tactics, which of course isn’t a practical solution for the long term, but in the moment, I’d rather do one of those things if it means that I’m not going to work myself into a panic attack.
I do see a therapist, and she does help me try to work through my executive dysfunction, but I know it’s a long road ahead.
Just know that if you too have this nagging stormcloud constantly looming overhead, you are not alone.
Like Lao Tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
And one step is better than no steps.
Image via BrainyQuote
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.