People still get taken aback when I tell them that my husband took his own life.
I work in the hospitality industry, and people like to talk. They like to chit-chat and ask questions.
When they get to the part about my husband – which they do as I still wear my wedding rings – I almost feel the need to preemptively apologize, because they are typically going to ask how he passed. (Oftentimes, they ask, “Was it sudden?” Which is a very respectful way of asking how he passed without actually asking how he passed.)
One woman sitting at my bar the other day actually started tearing up.
I find myself always saying things like “it’s fine! I’m okay. It’s been 8 years,” but even so, most people express genuine sorrow for my loss and will usually apologize for asking.
I always tell them that no apology is necessary.
This question hasn’t always been the most welcome for me. I have written about it quite a bit, but over time, my feelings have changed. I don’t mind the questions anymore.
Most folks aren’t being rude when asking. They aren’t meddling or judging; they are just making conversation.
Once I drop that bomb, though, I have to break out the damage control and let them know that I’m okay that they asked. In fact, please normalize talking about suicide because it is an incredibly uncomfortable subject.
If there’s only one thing that I manage to do, to shed a positive light on Bret’s departure, it would be to bring this subject out of the shadows and into a place where we can discuss it just as we would any other illness.
Because it was an illness.
It was an illness that lurked in the background as long as I knew Bret. It would flare up and calm back down again. It could go into a sort of remission, but was never really gone. And in the end, it took him.
To be hush-hush about it would be doing a huge disservice to those who fought this battle and to the loved ones that they left behind. To speak openly about it might even be a pathway to healing for those who currently fight this battle.
I am no longer put off by the questions.
Please ask.
It keeps Bret’s memory alive, and it also might help save a life.
(Graphic Via ChatGPT)
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